Esperanza

Two weeks ago, I got my first tattoo in Uruguay. An international tattoo! Our friend Blue went with me to help translate what I wanted to have done. Ani, the artist at Temple Tattoo Studio, showed me an artistic rendering of the tattoo so I could provide feedback. There were a few minor adjustments to her design. Once those were made, she set up her station, and by 12:00 hrs., we were ready to begin. The tattoo took about 4.5 hours to complete. I think that is my longest seating.

The tattoo rests on the inside of my right forearm. This is the first tattoo I have that is easily visible. My other tattoos are on my calves and chest, which are easy to cover with clothing. Most people are shocked the first time they see I have tattoos that cover my lower legs. The placement of those tattoos inspired my gaming name, "HiddenInk." As of June 18, my ink won't be so hidden.

My tattoos usually have meaning behind them. The ones on my legs represent balance or are connected to someone who is special to me. Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore represent the yin-yang of life, Cookie Monster represent my mom, Kermit the Frog represents Mikey, and Maleficent represent the darkness that resides in my. The Nightmare Before Christmas is a celebration of Halloween and Christmas. On the other leg, the Merman is a symbol of fighting gender roles, the Faun represents my Mom B and the dragon represents my sister who guards my yin-yang. I will have a tattoo of Mufasa or Zeus to represent my dad. I don’t get a tattoo on a drunken whim. Instead they are thought out and I take time to make sure it is something I want permanently on my body.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with getting tattoos or understand why I would do such a thing. Hell, I was raised that only bikers and drug dealers get them.

Time for the explanation.

My tattoo on the left inside of my arm.

Let's start with the upper portion near the crook of my elbow. The Celtic Tree of Life represents harmony, balance, and the connection between the physical and spiritual worlds. It also symbolizes resilience, wisdom, and the eternal cycle of life, death, and rebirth. The tree connects to many of my other tattoos, which focus on balance, harmony, and the relationship between the physical and spiritual worlds.

Why the words "Hope" and "Esperanza"? The answer is simple. First, they mean “hope” in my two languages. When I find myself in my darkest moments (aka severe depression), I lose hope. My dark shadow looms over me and blocks out all chance of hope to exist. The only change I feel is coming is a deeper descent into depression. Hope is no longer a concept that seems to exist. It is now written on my arm so that I have to see it and it is a reminder that even though I can not feel it, I can see it. Both "Hope" and "Esperanza" are written so I can read them in my two languages. Plus, I refuse to cut my wrist because it will ruin such a beautiful piece of art.

The Daran Knot

There is also the Celtic bracelet around my wrist. I have always liked Celtic jewelry, I feel a connection to it. The Daran Knot symbolizes strength, resilience, grounding, and inner wisdom. Logically, I know these qualities exist within me, but much of the time they remain dormant. They are hard to find and hold onto. The Daran Knot reminds me that I have strength—like a friend said to me the other day, “Just look at the things you have overcome and accomplished”—as well as resilience and wisdom, even when others make me feel like I am not so wise. Years ago, my oldest brother told me he was proud of me since I lived my authentic life no matter the cost. His words have stayed with me since 1997.

Finally, I wanted a watercolor design as the backdrop. For me, watercolors don’t stay within the lines. They flow beyond the boundaries and still creates something beautiful. I live much of my life in shades of gray. I don't believe life is purely dualistic. Take my gender identity for example, I identify as non-binary because I don't fit traditional masculine roles, nor do I identify as feminine. I exist somewhere along the spectrum. Shades of grey, right? The watercolor tattoo symbolizes that for me. Even when there are lines, it's okay to flow beyond them and create something entirely new.

Thank you for sticking with me.

As always, be kind to yourself and be kind to one another.